


Bonfoi and I wrote chat fic...

by azure_rosa, Bonfoi



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Crack, Humor, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-08-23
Updated: 2011-08-23
Packaged: 2017-11-12 00:21:10
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,215
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/484550
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/azure_rosa/pseuds/azure_rosa, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bonfoi/pseuds/Bonfoi
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Prompt: Remus, retired at 75, and enjoying the fruits of his books, written under the nom de plume JKR, finds an old tabby on his doorstep. He thinks it’s Minerva and needs help returning her to human form. Enter Severus, snarky senior consultant for the Unspeakables.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Bonfoi and I wrote chat fic...

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: not ours, never going to be ours. *pouts*
> 
> Warnings: at least mildly crack!fic? primarily dialog fic, but not exclusively. Very much comedy of errors and written entirely in the Lupin_Snape chat room, unbetaed aside from yours truly so all remaining mistakes are mine.  
> 

“Where is that bloody cat?!”

“I don’t know, it’s wandered off somewhere!”

“Why didn’t you restrain it?”

“Why would I do that to Minerva?!”

“You idiot it could be a criminal, they’re sneaky! That darned cat’s around here somewhere, Lupin! Can’t you smell it or something?”

“I’m a wizard who turns furry once a month, Severus. I don’t smell much except for your hair. I am _not_ your niffler!”

Severus sniffs. “At least a niffler would be useful.”

“Mrrrow?”

“I’ll give you _useful_ you over-grown, snide-”

“Mrroow?”

Together: “ _THE CAT_!”

“Catch it!”

*LUNGE*

“You catch it! I’m--”

*CRASH!*

“Are you all right, Severus?”

“Mrrow! Mrrow!”

Severus pulls the teapot off his boot and glares. “I have a distressed feline on my stomach Lupin, why would anything be wrong?”

The cat purrs into Severus’ ear. “I think it likes you, Severus.”

Severus scruffs the cat, “ _HERE_!” Then shoves cat at Lupin.

“Yow!” Severus screeches, “Those talons are sharp!”

“What am I supposed to do with her?”

“You’re the resident animal; you take care of her, him, it, whatever it is! Just keep it away from me!”

“But you’re the expert,” Remus says, holding the purring cat out toward Severus.

“If I touch that _thing_ again I might scratch back!”

“We’re wizards, aren’t we? Cast a spell so I can put her down,” Remus pleaded.

“Afraid of a little fur, Lupin? I’d assume you would be used to that!”

Remus thrusts the cat against Severus’ chest and lets it go. “Enough cracks about my furry issues, Snape! Canus lupus isn’t fond of felines, you swot!”

“Well neither is this Homo Sapien!”

Severus yowls before grabbing the cat so it stops trying to climb him like a tree. Remus begins laughing as the cat hangs from Severus’ chest.”Never thought I’d live to see the day... Severus Snape: scratching post!” Remus chortled.

“I’m going to _kill_ you for this Lupin!”

Remus casts a sleeping charm on the cat and it sets Severus free as it slowly falls asleep.

“Later. I want to know if this is Minerva or not.”

“It isn’t.”

“How do you know, you didn’t _do_ anything!”

“Minerva the cat has spectacle marks, twat! Besides, I spend over a decade tripping over Minerva in her feline form. I _know_ -”

Remus huffs, chuffs and glares. “Who is it then?”

“So I’ll just take the unidentified piece of fluff and steel daggers and be on my way.”

“You’re taking that poor thing to the Aurors, aren’t you?”

“Of course I am! It is _clearly_ a dangerous criminal!”

Remus poked the sleeping cat with his wand and watched Severus jump a foot. “It is a cat Severus; the worst it did is claw at you a bit and purr.”

“It attempted to _murder_ me!”

“It didn’t even purr for me,” Remus moaned a bit, “it likes you, Severus.”

“It was a death rattle, not a purr!”

“A snake hisses, but not like a cat, Severus. Even you can tell the difference.” Remus’ eyes were laughing as Severus clutched the cat to his chest unconsciously.

“No, it has claws in addition to deadly fangs, so much the better to cause damage!”

“I’d say you admire it, Severus,” Remus teased.

“Well, it does seem remarkably vicious for something so small.”

“Sounds like someone else I know.”

“Effective too.” Severus winced as he noticed the blood staining his shirt.

“Here, let me heal that.”

“I am not an infant Lupin! A bit of blood shan’t make me cry for mummy.”

“I don’t want you dripping all over my floor, Severus.” Remus cast a few healing charms.

Severus sighed, “If you must.”

The cat never moved from Severus’ arms and Remus hid his smile at the sight. “So brave of you.”

“I still think it is a criminally insane animagus.” The cat begins kneading Severus’ chest in its sleep and he adjusts his hold even as he grouses. “I’m merely restraining it until I figure out how they locked their shape.”

“It’s not Sirius.”

“No, _his_ shape was distinctly less intelligent and more slobber-prone.”

“Keep telling yourself that,” Remus mutters under his breath. “Want some tea while you’re at it?”

“Is it poisoned, Lupin?” Severus shifted his bundle in an oddly protective fashion.

“Still a paranoid bastard I see.” Remus makes the tea with efficient movements and spells and soon they’re sitting down, Severus still cuddling the cat.

“‘A paranoid bastard’ that is still alive, thank you very much.”

“Well, that’s one reason to have you here. Tho’ I might have one or two others...” Remus trailed off into his tea cup.

“What are you babbling about now, Lupin?”

“Um, yeah,” Remus stared into his tea. “I missed you,” he said softly.

“You missed me?” Severus sounded confused and skeptical.

“It’s boring being feted all the time. No one challenges my intellect...or anything,” Remus muttered. “You don’t let me get away with being...boring.”

“There is an intellect to challenge?” The words should have been cruel, but they came out nearly a tease.

“See, there! You can say things with more than one meaning!”

“As can any idiot with to brain cells to rub together! You even did it in your books on occasion!”

“You read my books?” Remus asked wonderingly.

“I-” Severus looked off-balance as he floundered for an excuse. “Well, that is-”

“You bought them, didn’t you?” Remus leaned forward, his whole body intent on the answer.

“ _NO!_ I- Minerva gave them to me!”

“Why didn’t you say so, Severus? I would have, I would have autographed them for you.”

The cat purred and opened one eye. Severus absentmindedly stroked the cat until it fell back asleep. “I didn’t think-”

“You’re a faker, Severus Snape. A soft-hearted, hard-headed faker.” Remus smiled.

“And you have a very weird view of reality, Lupin.”

Remus leaned on the table and looked Severus in the eye. “No, it’s pretty spectacular right now for being very real.”

“What _are_ you going on about _now_?”

“I think you need to be petted and cosseted like that cat, Severus...and I think I’m the man to enjoy doing it.” Remus reached out and ran a finger over Severus’ hand.

Severus froze, shocked by the sudden contact.

Remus put his whole hand over Severus’ and squeezed gently.

“What do you think you are doing Remus?” Confusion colored his tone.

“You called me Remus,” Remus sighed and slid his chair closer.

“I- Didn’t mean to?”

“Well, I liked it. You should call me Remus more often,” Remus whispered huskily.

He ran his hand up and down Severus’ unoccupied arm.

“That could be arranged...” Severus nearly purred.

The cat twisted in Severus’ lap, purred as well and then slithered off of Severus’ lap before it sashayed away, tail high.

“Damn cat, now we have to find it again.” Severus grumbling was half-hearted and more disappointed sounding than anything.

“No,” Remus leaned closer to whisper against Severus’ lips, “We don’t.”

“I think I want to see what feline tendencies you have, Severus Snape,” Remus said as he tugged the other man from his chair.

“In that case...” Severus leaned the rest of the way in, kissing Remus.

The cat’s tail swished and it gave a long meow of contentment as the two wizards kissed. Harry Potter rescues the world again.

fin

  



End file.
